Oneliners

Laugh often - love much - live well

Can I be the undead kitty NOW? --Willow Taylor

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got. --Rich Griswold quoting someone anonymous

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. --Lao Tzu

Not everything is about you, Mulder. --Dana ("The X-Files") Scully

Moral indignation is simply jealousy with a halo. --HG Wells

Little Sister is watching you. --David Mack, Kabuki

At the gate of the year, the God of Doorways is chasing his tail. --Peter Hogan, The Dreaming #16, "Ice"

The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, he will make a fool of himself too. --Samuel Butler

We shape our buildings; thereafter they shape us. --Winston Churchill

I am black and blue all over from the furniture I have designed. --Frank Lloyd Wright

Yesterday I went shopping - the personal gain kind, not the practical kind.... --Matt Lee

Shit on a pixie! --Tenth (Poison Elves (Sirius) #22)

667 - Neighbor of the Beast

Here's hoping the sun makes its way into your panorama. --Rich Griswold off-the-cuff

Everyone gets the tattoo they deserve. --tattoo artist ("The X-Files")

BONE-CHILLING CHAOS DROPS FROM THE SKIES --headline in the Albany Times-Union newspaper

She has a witty repartee stuck in her throat. --Jesse Heindl (in response to me trying to say something and choking on my eggs instead)

The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. --Anonymous

Malice is stupidity raised to a higher power. --also Anonymous

Taste instant bloody death, small mammal! --Jeff Smith, Bone

Of course I bring my journal with me when I travel. One should always have something sensational to read on the train. --Oscar Wilde

I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused. --Elvis Costello

I did not wish to take a cabin passage, but rather to go before the mast and on the deck of the world, for there I could best see the moonlight amid the mountains. I do not wish to go below now. --Henry David Thoreau, Walden

We speak for the dead. --Frank ("Homicide: Life on the Street") Pembleton

If you could lick my heart, it would poison you. --Itzhak Zuckerman, leader and survivor of the Warsaw Ghetto uprising

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. --Antoine de St-Exupéry

The sky above the port was the color of television tuned to a dead channel. --William Gibson, Neuromancer

The sky was the perfect untroubled blue of a television screen, tuned to a dead channel. --Neil Gaiman, Neverwhere

I know I'm shouting, I like to shout --English Beat

Comprehension gets up for the washroom at this point and Incomprehension takes over to keep the seat warm. --Antoine Drapeau

Faster, pussycat - print, print! --Rich Griswold

All hail the Sun God! We think he's a fun god! Ra! Ra! Ra! --Teri "yay chaos!" King

Wouldn't it be great if there was an anti-static cling product called ex-static? --Rich Griswold again

Say goodnight to the Sandman! --Drew Hayes, Poison Elves

Stupid stupid rat creatures! --Jeff Smith, Bone

When I get a little money, I buy books; and, if any is left, I buy food and clothes. --Erasmus

Every blade of grass has its angel which bends over it and whispers "Grow, grow." --the Talmud

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. --Robert Wilensky

Email oneliners, for those days when you really need to be snarky
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I see the fuck-up fairy visited us again.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket?
Backup my hard drive? I didn't know it went in reverse.
I'm not sleeping, I'm testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Someday we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put tap shoes on the dog.
Denial is not a river in Egypt.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is research.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
You! Off my planet!
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
Your village called - their idiot is missing.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind I will never die.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
My reality check bounced.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Someday we'll all look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil twin.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Are you a ray of sunshine every day?
What's the best way to a man's heart? Through his ribcage with a sharp knife.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom? Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
It's been Monday all week.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
If at first you don't succeed, fail.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.